I like to feel needed. I suppose in some weird way it makes me feel like I’m wanted. But we’ll save that particular line of thinking for my therapist.
But I do like when people rely on me. When they ask me for help. One of my Working Geniuses is enablement. This means I get energy from supporting and helping others. When you ask me to help you, you’re giving me a gift.
But I’ve noticed something in my life and leadership.
Being needed isn’t always the same thing as being helpful.
My 5-year-old started kindergarten this year. Getting him ready for school is always an adventure. My little guy is more than capable of getting himself dressed. He may get his shorts a little wobberjawed at times or get stuck with his shirt on backwards, but, for the most part, he can get dressed all by himself.
But most 5-year-olds I know can ramp up their whining from 0 to 60 pretty quickly. My dude cries and whines every day because he wants me or his mom to dress him. I do push myself to appreciate these little moments while he’s still little. But let’s be honest. It’s also real annoying. And doing it for him isn’t actually helping him grow into his own.
It’s an interesting tension.
The more we help someone grow, the less they need us.
A good parent wants to help their child rely less on them.
A good teacher wants to help students thrive even when they are on their own.
A good manager wants their team to succeed without always needing direction.
This can be tough for those of us who love to feel needed. Being truly helpful may mean we make ourselves feel less valuable. But sometimes the greatest evidence of our value is that someone no longer needs us in the same old ways. After all, the point of helping someone isn’t to make ourselves feel good. It’s about helping people grow.
Is my leadership about the people I lead? Or is it more about me?
Do you want people to need you?
Or do you want people to be better because of you?