When my wife and I first got married, the majority of our fights were over how we fought. Some minor squabble would balloon into something much bigger because we didn’t know how to argue. We weren’t quite sure how to communicate.
She is the type who goes quiet when she’s upset. She’d prefer to disappear when things get heated because she doesn’t want to say anything that she’ll regret. I want to yell at each other until we love each other again. Yes, I’m a verbal processor with abandonment issues.
We struggled early on because our communication styles kicked our relational fight-or-flight modes into red alert.
Communication is compromise. Megan and I have learned how to communicate better over the years. We’re still not perfect. But I’ve learned to give her space when she’s upset. She’s learned that sometimes I just have to get my thoughts out of my head. Everyone is different. You’re different than your spouse and your boss. Your kids are different. Your best friend and your coworker are different. There might be similarities in how you communicate with each of them, but it still takes compromise to learn how to communicate well with all the people in our lives.
Communication is complicated. Everyone has different preferences and different baggage they bring into a relationship. Communication doesn’t happen when I say something or share something. Communication happens when someone else hears what I am trying to say. Or when I hear what someone else is trying to say. For some reason we think communication should come most naturally in our most important relationships. In my experience, they can sometimes be the toughest. Maybe complicated isn’t a bug. It’s a feature to help us see and hear each other on a deeper level.
Communication is crucial. Being heard is one of our foundational needs as humans. It’s how we connect and feel like we belong. It helps us feel secure and helps us grow. With communication, there’s no limit to the beauty and joy we experience in the world. Without it, things can get bleak pretty quickly. Despite being more connected than ever, we’ve never been more lonely. We’ve gotten worse at communication, and connection is incomplete without communication.
Communication is kind. Clearly communicating is one of the greatest acts of kindness we can offer another person. That means sharing with clarity, authenticity, and empathy. It means listening in those ways, too.
I think with my words. Talking things out with another person or writing them down for someone else to read is how I make sense of the tangled mess in my head. Talking and writing. Listening and hearing. I’ve learned others process things differently than me. Learning to hear each other in all the ways we communicate is one of the great beauties of life.
Speaking is not the same thing as communicating. Communication requires being heard and truly hearing others. It takes work to help another human hear you while you also learn how to hear them. But whether by giving someone space to process or letting them yell at you in the kitchen, clearly communicating is some of the kindest work we can do.